The ache

My aching heart jumps every time you walk into the damned room. I used to be perfectly capable of pushing these feelings aside- but those days are gone and in their place has crept one huge looming monster of unwanted desire. How it skulks so openly now! No shame; only hopes and prayers for its release so that it can, at long last, feed upon its beloved prize.

I never dreamt upon first meeting you that we would end up essentially roommates just a few years later- forced into the daily happenings and cares of each other’s lives. When at first I found out that it was you who would be moving in as the  roommate to Kyle’s house I was scared. Not even hesitantly happy, just full blown about to piss my pants scared. Previous roommates had been easy enough to adjust too, even an overall pleasant addition to our every day lives. I liked having a full house – but with you it could never be that simple, although looking back it should have been seeing as we are both involved in lengthy relationships. Even the understanding of why our relationship felt “different” at all was annoyingly unclear! For example: if left alone in a room together the strangest feeling would suddenly fill the air like a thick mist of confusion- one of impropriety and a need to keep anything that happened between us a secret. If our hands touched in the passing of an object or some other trivial action it wasn’t just a brush of skin, it was an electrifying shock which would run up my spine and down my arm to the tip of my fingers. I have foolishly wondered before if you could feel it too. I’m still not even sure whether it was you or I that I couldn’t trust, I just knew that if I grew too comfortable with you danger could and most likely would follow. It wasn’t long after you had moved in that I made a decision to finally call it quits with Kyle, there was way too much going on internally for me to feel justified with even trying to work it out with him. I knew it was over and I also knew I was searching hungrily for something I shouldn’t be looking for at all  in that house. I saw my recently jumbled emotions regarding men as a civil opportunity to break free and meet my soul mate; of whom I was obviously ready to start a life with- my dreams of late had turned to cuddly babies and impromptu weddings in the mist. Tic Toc.

I was moving on, talking to other people and trying my utmost to be of an independent nature- but sure enough my sentiments of freedom and justified bitterness quickly shifted over to sighs of regret. Without realizing it I had let myself get overly attached, and the worst part was that it wasn’t to my boyfriend of two and a half years but his house and everyone that went along with it.

I returned. Alas! Although I came back with the best of intentions toward Kyle and turning over a new leaf in general, my resolutions quickly began to crumble. How long can a girl really avoid someone when you basically live in the same house? And we all know how curiosity killed the cat. Our friendship bloomed. My life was doomed. I remember distinctly the night when the monster first stepped into the light to reveal what he had truly become. It was one of those nights when people were sporadically showing up at the house over the course of the evening. It must have been an after work soiree of some kind because I know there was a group of your co-workers milling around, drink in hand. Kyle had started up a poker game – his focus as usual was completely usurped. I had popped into the room to peek over his shoulder and make fun of him for taking advantage of his tipsy friends and stealing all their money when I felt a hand slip slowly around my waist. I turned my head quickly to the right to find your face next to mine as you began to whisper some scandalous piece of information into my ear regarding one of the girls who was there.  Goosebumps erupted across my arms and neck while my heartbeat thudded loudly in my ears. I didn’t even hear what you were saying because the thoughts in my mind had completely taken over: Why is his hand on my hip? His face is so close i can feel his breath… Why have I  never noticed how kissable his lips are before?  Those lips just touched the edge of my ear! fuckshit! why is Kyle so oblivious?!  I remember trying to edge away from your touch at first (not a cringe more a of a slight hesitation)  and then spending the rest of the night, and every moment henceforth, wishing I could feel it again. What I had previously been able to write off as a simple appreciation for your looks and personality had now turned into a full blown appreciation for you in general. The monster was roaring loud and clear.
I blame this all on you of course. Well most of it anyways. I guess you couldn’t help the fact that from the first moment I saw you behind the bar at work my breath caught in my chest- but why do you have to be so fucking evocative!? I know you know what you’re doing when I see you flirting with other girls -you certainly are talented in the ways of love and flattery… but what about when you direct it towards me? What could your motives possibly be. As the months went by we had certain interactions that proved to be less than couth. I said something to you once while I was walking outside that made you blush. I wish I could remember what it was but it definitely came out the wrong way which caused me to feel mortified and slam the door in your face. I also decided to hide from you for about a week. After that incident I didn’t see you for a long time and I couldn’t help but wonder if you were trying to avoid me as well. I did get that distinct impression especially when you would disappear from the house without saying goodbye (you always used to check in before heading out), sometimes it even felt like you were leaving simply because I had arrived. I kept asking Kyle if you were okay, dropping hints that he should talk to you in case you weren’t happy with the living arrangements or something. I needed to have a reason for our sudden change in interaction as well as your (in my opinion) seedy behavior of late. Unfortunately my constant pestering wasn’t working on Kyle. I needed to know! My curiosity for your sudden disappearance quickly turned into an obsession which eventually led to an acknowledgement that I needed to take SERIOUS action against these feelings. The answer to this problem was a complete disregard of your existence. I learned how to pretend you hated me. It was just easier that way.


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