The way we blush

As any intelligent person of the female species might (and should) acknowledge, when facing an unrequited love – particularly the kind shared with a boy who happens to be your boyfriends roommate, one should try as hard as possible to let that love GO and move forward with life. Especially when one does not necessarily want to  break up with her boyfriend of 3 years and be left completely alone in the world. Now this particular girl (being me) has decided instead  to just ignore that love for the roommate and pretend it will magically go away, all the while getting a job at the same location as the aforementioned roommate, and also choosing to gradually becoming colder and more distant to said boyfriend of 3 years. Now that we’re all caught up to speed I swear I am not a cold hearted unfeeling bitch.

The boyfriend, Kyle, is a great guy. Really. Handsome, tall and white – he exudes confidence and sensibility. One of the most logical people I know, Kyle has all of those traits a mature grown woman could possibly want in a guy. I love him (really i do) but that’s not the problem. the problem is that while I care deeply for and have shared many experiences with Kyle, i do not feel shivers of excitement rolling through my gut when he looks at me. Or walks in the room. Or when someone simply says his name in my hearing. No, no… those special occurrences are saved for the roommate instead. I must admit that while Kyle hasn’t been the most attentive or well rounded boyfriend in the world, he definitely doesn’t deserve his girlfriend sitting around drooling over another guy. It makes me feel sick with guilt at times but I have made the decision to stick through it for now – I cant possibly just walk away. I would be losing them both and that I could not bear.

From the very first month of my relationship with Kyle it was clear who was the more passionate party. I couldn’t wait to declare my love for him – shout it from the rooftops, buy him gifts, write him 4 page letters planning our future together and just spewing constant love mush. My bad. He wasn’t the kind of guy to rush into anything, especially admitting he had strong feelings for another. I might have smothered him just the tiniest bit because we ended up splitting apart 6 months later only to be followed by 3 more years of : we cant stand to be apart because we’ve never dated anyone else but we cant stand being together because we drive each other crazy (AKA on again off again). The only real problem is that the last time we broke up (see previous  post for more information) I was totally and completely done with things and just simply didn’t have the backbone to be FIRM in my resolution of single-hood. While I am glad we did eventually get back together… that doesn’t change the fact it was for the wrong reasons. I have been pushing myself religiously to practice patience with his crude and hurtful ways- telling myself  its only because of his heavy work/school load that he acts that way. Convincing oneself that everything is happy and normal can be difficult when your heart always feels as if it were bleeding out on the floor.  I was constantly pushing myself to believe things that would just never be: He will start to look at me when I undress, he will notice I cleaned his house, he wont yell at me over every god damned cigarette I smoke, he will stop telling me he doesn’t care doesn’t care doesn’t care doesn’t care

it hasn’t happened.

What has happened is that the roommate started picking up on Kyles slack and filling in all those horrible spots of our relationship that started to ache and hurt so bad. Don’t ask me why or what he could possibly have in mind as a result of these actions, but those dirty glasses left upstairs which needed washing and which I (ever so kindly) asked Kyle to stop playing his xbox game and go grab so I could continue cleaning the house- suddenly appear before me in the roommates cheerful hands. The book Kyle said he would bring me from the kitchen but forgot to grab before going upstairs is slipped over my shoulder with a brief yet warming touch by the roommate. The pumpkins Kyle had promised to buy and carve with me before Halloween end up being purchased and carved (with music and brews of course) by the ever so stellar roommate! So subtle! so sneaky! And so fulfilling to know at least SOMEONE listens to you. I bet HE would turn his head to look if I started taking my clothes off in front of him for a shower. I mean Im just saying I would be willing to test this theory out. Just saying.

I’m not sure when it happened, I’m pretty sure it was originally about a meatball sub-  but we started texting. Nothing too private or inappropriate; but they were  being sent nonetheless. Text here text there text everywhere! Do you need a ride, what kind of beer should we get, he hates all women, I hate all men, we need relationship vacations… ok so maybe a little inappropriate but Kyle knows we converse and doesn’t seem to mind! Now Natalie… she minds. Natalie is the roommates girlfriend of 4 years. Natalie works with me as well. Natalie is a cool girl but completely undeserving of her amazing boyfriend (in my opinion). Not only does she yell at him over the most trivial items (let the man play some xbox for crying out loud!!! and NO he doesn’t want to buy you a 500$ purse for your birthday biotch!!) , but she was also caught red handed making out with a girl in our kitchen which I personally found disgusting. Yes yes I am aware of the fact that it might sound a little hypocritical of me to judge her in-discrepancies while in the midst of writing a blog about being in love with my boyfriends roommate…..but in my defense I truly don’t believe I would let my emotions (or alcohol) get away with me enough to cheat on Kyle. Yes there is a difference between desire and action!!

I mean I would at least dump him before jumping at long last into the adoring arms of the roommate.

While things have obviously been progressing on the unspoken and unacknowledged level of things between the roomate and myself, they have also slowly been progressing in just our every day interactions. Without meaning too we have begun to ensure our time together is frequent and our physical proximity closer than ever before. Where we used to sit on opposite ends of the couch, now we will plop down right next to each other. Where I used to be afraid to enter his room, he will call me in to watch something on the T.V. while i’m cleaning or reading and I will gladly walk right in. The other night he was joking about how annoying it is that Natalie has made sure every girl at our work knows they are together; I chided him with “Well you know there really aren’t any hot guys at that restaurant, she has to protect her interests somehow!” which might be the first time I have indirectly made a comment about his attractiveness. He blushed a tiny bit and I thought it was so cute my ears turned red.

During the first week of working together we were sitting facing each other in 2 seperate booths (stupid restaurant tests). He was laughing because one of the managers clearly had the hots for me and spent most of the hour coming over to my booth and sitting down, asking me questions as if I was his lucky date of the evening instead of some poor girl stuck at work being hit on by a fat dude from the midwest. Every time he got up and walked away the roommate would raise his eyebrows and laugh a tiny bit, but there was something else there… envy? Reproach? He was gazing… and then he glanced down and started fiddling with his hands. A minute later a little paper rose twisted from a napkin landed in my lap. I picked it up and tucked it behind my ear giving him the smallest of winks. I still have that rose in the back of my serving book. In fact; just a few weeks ago after getting home from a  shift, I plopped all of my things down brusqly on the counter next to the roommate who was doing homework(steve was being a jerk to me on the way home from work… of course), and walked upstairs to change out of my filthy apron and shirt. Upon returning downstairs a few minutes later I noticed my serving book and fallen open and everything had spilled out. Lying on the counter as plain as day only 1 1/2 feet away from the roommate, was a little white paper flower. It was just sitting there in front of him. I’m not sure if he saw it but I stuffed everything back in to the book quickly and hoped he didn’t think I was a total creeper for keeping some peice of trash he twiddled together out of boredom. The thought alone burned my cheeks pink with embarassament – I noticed he quietly avoided me for the rest of the evening. I’m not normally a game player when it comes to life and love; but things around here were quickly turning into a melodrama of magnanimous proportions.

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