The way we blush

As any intelligent person of the female species might (and should) acknowledge, when facing an unrequited love – particularly the kind shared with a boy who happens to be your boyfriends roommate, one should try as hard as possible to let that love GO and move forward with life. Especially when one does not necessarily want to  break up with her boyfriend of 3 years and be left completely alone in the world. Now this particular girl (being me) has decided instead  to just ignore that love for the roommate and pretend it will magically go away, all the while getting a job at the same location as the aforementioned roommate, and also choosing to gradually becoming colder and more distant to said boyfriend of 3 years. Now that we’re all caught up to speed I swear I am not a cold hearted unfeeling bitch.

The boyfriend, Kyle, is a great guy. Really. Handsome, tall and white – he exudes confidence and sensibility. One of the most logical people I know, Kyle has all of those traits a mature grown woman could possibly want in a guy. I love him (really i do) but that’s not the problem. the problem is that while I care deeply for and have shared many experiences with Kyle, i do not feel shivers of excitement rolling through my gut when he looks at me. Or walks in the room. Or when someone simply says his name in my hearing. No, no… those special occurrences are saved for the roommate instead. I must admit that while Kyle hasn’t been the most attentive or well rounded boyfriend in the world, he definitely doesn’t deserve his girlfriend sitting around drooling over another guy. It makes me feel sick with guilt at times but I have made the decision to stick through it for now – I cant possibly just walk away. I would be losing them both and that I could not bear.

From the very first month of my relationship with Kyle it was clear who was the more passionate party. I couldn’t wait to declare my love for him – shout it from the rooftops, buy him gifts, write him 4 page letters planning our future together and just spewing constant love mush. My bad. He wasn’t the kind of guy to rush into anything, especially admitting he had strong feelings for another. I might have smothered him just the tiniest bit because we ended up splitting apart 6 months later only to be followed by 3 more years of : we cant stand to be apart because we’ve never dated anyone else but we cant stand being together because we drive each other crazy (AKA on again off again). The only real problem is that the last time we broke up (see previous  post for more information) I was totally and completely done with things and just simply didn’t have the backbone to be FIRM in my resolution of single-hood. While I am glad we did eventually get back together… that doesn’t change the fact it was for the wrong reasons. I have been pushing myself religiously to practice patience with his crude and hurtful ways- telling myself  its only because of his heavy work/school load that he acts that way. Convincing oneself that everything is happy and normal can be difficult when your heart always feels as if it were bleeding out on the floor.  I was constantly pushing myself to believe things that would just never be: He will start to look at me when I undress, he will notice I cleaned his house, he wont yell at me over every god damned cigarette I smoke, he will stop telling me he doesn’t care doesn’t care doesn’t care doesn’t care…

it hasn’t happened.

What has happened is that the roommate started picking up on Kyles slack and filling in all those horrible spots of our relationship that started to ache and hurt so bad. Don’t ask me why or what he could possibly have in mind as a result of these actions, but those dirty glasses left upstairs which needed washing and which I (ever so kindly) asked Kyle to stop playing his xbox game and go grab so I could continue cleaning the house- suddenly appear before me in the roommates cheerful hands. The book Kyle said he would bring me from the kitchen but forgot to grab before going upstairs is slipped over my shoulder with a brief yet warming touch by the roommate. The pumpkins Kyle had promised to buy and carve with me before Halloween end up being purchased and carved (with music and brews of course) by the ever so stellar roommate! So subtle! so sneaky! And so fulfilling to know at least SOMEONE listens to you. I bet HE would turn his head to look if I started taking my clothes off in front of him for a shower. I mean Im just saying I would be willing to test this theory out. Just saying.

I’m not sure when it happened, I’m pretty sure it was originally about a meatball sub-  but we started texting. Nothing too private or inappropriate; but they were  being sent nonetheless. Text here text there text everywhere! Do you need a ride, what kind of beer should we get, he hates all women, I hate all men, we need relationship vacations… ok so maybe a little inappropriate but Kyle knows we converse and doesn’t seem to mind! Now Natalie… she minds. Natalie is the roommates girlfriend of 4 years. Natalie works with me as well. Natalie is a cool girl but completely undeserving of her amazing boyfriend (in my opinion). Not only does she yell at him over the most trivial items (let the man play some xbox for crying out loud!!! and NO he doesn’t want to buy you a 500$ purse for your birthday biotch!!) , but she was also caught red handed making out with a girl in our kitchen which I personally found disgusting. Yes yes I am aware of the fact that it might sound a little hypocritical of me to judge her in-discrepancies while in the midst of writing a blog about being in love with my boyfriends roommate…..but in my defense I truly don’t believe I would let my emotions (or alcohol) get away with me enough to cheat on Kyle. Yes there is a difference between desire and action!!

I mean I would at least dump him before jumping at long last into the adoring arms of the roommate.

While things have obviously been progressing on the unspoken and unacknowledged level of things between the roomate and myself, they have also slowly been progressing in just our every day interactions. Without meaning too we have begun to ensure our time together is frequent and our physical proximity closer than ever before. Where we used to sit on opposite ends of the couch, now we will plop down right next to each other. Where I used to be afraid to enter his room, he will call me in to watch something on the T.V. while i’m cleaning or reading and I will gladly walk right in. The other night he was joking about how annoying it is that Natalie has made sure every girl at our work knows they are together; I chided him with “Well you know there really aren’t any hot guys at that restaurant, she has to protect her interests somehow!” which might be the first time I have indirectly made a comment about his attractiveness. He blushed a tiny bit and I thought it was so cute my ears turned red.

During the first week of working together we were sitting facing each other in 2 seperate booths (stupid restaurant tests). He was laughing because one of the managers clearly had the hots for me and spent most of the hour coming over to my booth and sitting down, asking me questions as if I was his lucky date of the evening instead of some poor girl stuck at work being hit on by a fat dude from the midwest. Every time he got up and walked away the roommate would raise his eyebrows and laugh a tiny bit, but there was something else there… envy? Reproach? He was gazing… and then he glanced down and started fiddling with his hands. A minute later a little paper rose twisted from a napkin landed in my lap. I picked it up and tucked it behind my ear giving him the smallest of winks. I still have that rose in the back of my serving book. In fact; just a few weeks ago after getting home from a  shift, I plopped all of my things down brusqly on the counter next to the roommate who was doing homework(steve was being a jerk to me on the way home from work… of course), and walked upstairs to change out of my filthy apron and shirt. Upon returning downstairs a few minutes later I noticed my serving book and fallen open and everything had spilled out. Lying on the counter as plain as day only 1 1/2 feet away from the roommate, was a little white paper flower. It was just sitting there in front of him. I’m not sure if he saw it but I stuffed everything back in to the book quickly and hoped he didn’t think I was a total creeper for keeping some peice of trash he twiddled together out of boredom. The thought alone burned my cheeks pink with embarassament – I noticed he quietly avoided me for the rest of the evening. I’m not normally a game player when it comes to life and love; but things around here were quickly turning into a melodrama of magnanimous proportions.

The touch

My plan of ignoring your existence and moving on with my life was working out fine. That is until Kyle casually mentioned that you and Natalie (the roommates girlfriend of 4 years) had broken up. I hate how he does that. Mention something of obvious magnitude as if it were just a passing blip of no value! I was devastated for you and yet elated at the same time. Unsure of what to feel for any of the men in my life I once again began to put distance between Kyle and myself. I wanted you to know you weren’t alone in your aloneness even if it meant you sitting upstairs in your room all day and me sitting outside all day, never speaking or touching, just knowing we were in this together would be enough. I martyred myself for you and I was fine with it… except that I was beginning to feel a little bit on the crazy side of things. Why was I going to all this trouble (which would most definitely be unnoticed both by you and the amazingly astute Kyle), when you clearly had a complete disregard for my existence? True there were those amazing moments of warmth bursting through but that only made things more complicated and left me ridiculously pondering the chance that their might actually be hope for more.

It wasn’t until later that year – in the fall, that I got to feel ‘the touch’ again. I say ‘the touch’- because as I stated before; although there were moments our bodies would physically come into contact (a shoulder bump, the passing of a glass or plate of food), these were simply controlled forbidden moments of pleasure. The touch I’m speaking of was the kind we didn’t just allow to happen but actively sought out. We were having a birthday party at the house; I was wearing a smoking hot red dress with heels and feeling fine. I know you appreciated the overall effect because red is your favorite color. Once the end of the evening had rolled around (which for our crowd is around 3am) the straggling party goers had receded into their separated corners of drunken fun; gossip in the kitchen, smoking outside, dancing in the living room and me in the center of it all. I love the end of parties the most I think. Everyone becomes so disjointed and their actions more intense, almost fragmented, as if they know they are running out of time to do something memorable before the night ends. An then there you were. Already peering towards me from across the room, waiting to see who I was going to make my way over to say goodbye too next. I walked purposefully towards you and let your arms wrap around my shoulders in a tight squeeze, which turned into a bit of a wobble, then a lean which was followed by a subtle sliding of your hand down, down, down  until i felt your palm on nestled in the small of my back. The grazing of your fingertips was probably the most excited I have felt since I was 18 years old. Heat erupted across my body and I almost couldn’t let go.

You should have seen the smile on my face as I drove home that night.

I didn’t have to wait long after that for the next ‘touch’, I knew we would all be silly together at the upcoming halloween party and was looking forward to it. Living for it. Kyle was upstairs doing homework that night and your girlfriend Natalie was out with friends so it appeared we would both be flying solo, which was perfectly fine with me seeing as we had done all the prep together anyways. You and I were carving pumpkins out back just a few hours before people would start arriving when we started discussing things we probably shouldn’t discuss. How many kids you wanted, what countries I dreamt of traveling too one day, why we both loved the smell of baby’s hair. You know. Once the party was in full swing  you and I morphed into the perfect pair of hosts. I loved running around like a drunken little Martha Stewart all night; greeting people then checking in with you, trying to pump the keg for someone outside and you stumbling out to check on me, playing beer pong, but only one game because i should go check in with you. A hand placed gently on the arm or back every single time. At one point you got excited and ran over to tell me something you found amusing, this time you didn’t even try sliding your hand you just placed it directly where you wanted it, and it appeared you were the one having trouble letting go this time. I know it’s horrible and I was probably taking advantage of your stupor but I didn’t even care (nor do I now!) I was more than willing to soak up every ounce of affection you had to spare that night.

The ache

My aching heart jumps every time you walk into the damned room. I used to be perfectly capable of pushing these feelings aside- but those days are gone and in their place has crept one huge looming monster of unwanted desire. How it skulks so openly now! No shame; only hopes and prayers for its release so that it can, at long last, feed upon its beloved prize.

I never dreamt upon first meeting you that we would end up essentially roommates just a few years later- forced into the daily happenings and cares of each other’s lives. When at first I found out that it was you who would be moving in as the  roommate to Kyle’s house I was scared. Not even hesitantly happy, just full blown about to piss my pants scared. Previous roommates had been easy enough to adjust too, even an overall pleasant addition to our every day lives. I liked having a full house – but with you it could never be that simple, although looking back it should have been seeing as we are both involved in lengthy relationships. Even the understanding of why our relationship felt “different” at all was annoyingly unclear! For example: if left alone in a room together the strangest feeling would suddenly fill the air like a thick mist of confusion- one of impropriety and a need to keep anything that happened between us a secret. If our hands touched in the passing of an object or some other trivial action it wasn’t just a brush of skin, it was an electrifying shock which would run up my spine and down my arm to the tip of my fingers. I have foolishly wondered before if you could feel it too. I’m still not even sure whether it was you or I that I couldn’t trust, I just knew that if I grew too comfortable with you danger could and most likely would follow. It wasn’t long after you had moved in that I made a decision to finally call it quits with Kyle, there was way too much going on internally for me to feel justified with even trying to work it out with him. I knew it was over and I also knew I was searching hungrily for something I shouldn’t be looking for at all  in that house. I saw my recently jumbled emotions regarding men as a civil opportunity to break free and meet my soul mate; of whom I was obviously ready to start a life with- my dreams of late had turned to cuddly babies and impromptu weddings in the mist. Tic Toc.

I was moving on, talking to other people and trying my utmost to be of an independent nature- but sure enough my sentiments of freedom and justified bitterness quickly shifted over to sighs of regret. Without realizing it I had let myself get overly attached, and the worst part was that it wasn’t to my boyfriend of two and a half years but his house and everyone that went along with it.

I returned. Alas! Although I came back with the best of intentions toward Kyle and turning over a new leaf in general, my resolutions quickly began to crumble. How long can a girl really avoid someone when you basically live in the same house? And we all know how curiosity killed the cat. Our friendship bloomed. My life was doomed. I remember distinctly the night when the monster first stepped into the light to reveal what he had truly become. It was one of those nights when people were sporadically showing up at the house over the course of the evening. It must have been an after work soiree of some kind because I know there was a group of your co-workers milling around, drink in hand. Kyle had started up a poker game – his focus as usual was completely usurped. I had popped into the room to peek over his shoulder and make fun of him for taking advantage of his tipsy friends and stealing all their money when I felt a hand slip slowly around my waist. I turned my head quickly to the right to find your face next to mine as you began to whisper some scandalous piece of information into my ear regarding one of the girls who was there.  Goosebumps erupted across my arms and neck while my heartbeat thudded loudly in my ears. I didn’t even hear what you were saying because the thoughts in my mind had completely taken over: Why is his hand on my hip? His face is so close i can feel his breath… Why have I  never noticed how kissable his lips are before?  Those lips just touched the edge of my ear! fuckshit! why is Kyle so oblivious?!  I remember trying to edge away from your touch at first (not a cringe more a of a slight hesitation)  and then spending the rest of the night, and every moment henceforth, wishing I could feel it again. What I had previously been able to write off as a simple appreciation for your looks and personality had now turned into a full blown appreciation for you in general. The monster was roaring loud and clear.
I blame this all on you of course. Well most of it anyways. I guess you couldn’t help the fact that from the first moment I saw you behind the bar at work my breath caught in my chest- but why do you have to be so fucking evocative!? I know you know what you’re doing when I see you flirting with other girls -you certainly are talented in the ways of love and flattery… but what about when you direct it towards me? What could your motives possibly be. As the months went by we had certain interactions that proved to be less than couth. I said something to you once while I was walking outside that made you blush. I wish I could remember what it was but it definitely came out the wrong way which caused me to feel mortified and slam the door in your face. I also decided to hide from you for about a week. After that incident I didn’t see you for a long time and I couldn’t help but wonder if you were trying to avoid me as well. I did get that distinct impression especially when you would disappear from the house without saying goodbye (you always used to check in before heading out), sometimes it even felt like you were leaving simply because I had arrived. I kept asking Kyle if you were okay, dropping hints that he should talk to you in case you weren’t happy with the living arrangements or something. I needed to have a reason for our sudden change in interaction as well as your (in my opinion) seedy behavior of late. Unfortunately my constant pestering wasn’t working on Kyle. I needed to know! My curiosity for your sudden disappearance quickly turned into an obsession which eventually led to an acknowledgement that I needed to take SERIOUS action against these feelings. The answer to this problem was a complete disregard of your existence. I learned how to pretend you hated me. It was just easier that way.